Durability is Important
by Mayclore
Summary: Immovable object, meet irresistibly idiotic force.


**Author's Note: A cookie if you can guess which Skirmish map I'm referring to here.**

He had imagined himself, mostly, as a sort of Chinese Rambo, brandishing his minigun in opposition to hordes of GLA soldiers, mowing them down with a loud, patriotic roar.

He did not, at any point, imagine himself shooting uselessly at an invincible building.

This particular theater had some garrisonable...stone things. They were officially designated as 'gates', though they didn't open, weren't mobile, and had windows, which gates usually didn't have. They were also, apparently, made of some alloy of adamantium, unobtainium, and vibranium, because the damn things were absolutely invulnerable.

The Evil Orange Forces, strangely made up of other Chinese soldiers under Tsing Shi Tao, had wandered over to this side of the theater when they found themselves unable to break through the 614 laser turrets of the mysterious American Uber Green Forces that ruled the southwestern side of the area with an Iron Fist. Or maybe a Steel Fist. At any rate, they occupied one of the psuedo-gates, with the intent of disrupting the Glorious Pink Forces' (who were also amazingly under Tao's command) attack upon the Uber General. This Tao was an ally of the minigunner's Patriotic Cyan Team, whilst the other, angrier, meaner Tao soldiers had stuffed themselves into this god forsaken gate-building and started shooting at the allies.

Shin Fai reacted appropriately, or so it seemed. Large numbers of minigunners were deployed, some of which took up refuge in another Invinci-Gate, and the two occupied forces began shooting at each other.

This...was three weeks ago.

The pile of spent shell casings from dozens of minigunner weapons had reached 34 feet in height. Several miniguns were lost to barrel overheating, as were their minigunners, who exploded in flame as the hot guns melted in their doomed hands. Tank hunters had been sent in last week, firing RPGs at the buildings, many of which bounced off, or came back and hid, or fell to the ground crying and throwing a temper tantrum. MiG fighters, loaded with black napalm, bombarded the enemy gate-thing, sheathing it in brilliant, purple, and totally useless flame.

The Uber General in the southwest eventually got wind of the duel, and fired his Particle Cannon at both gates, which had no effect at all.

Now, all of Evil Tao, Good Tao, and Shin Fai's forces were at this one spot, all of them firing at the enemy holed up in their respective invincible structure from hell. Bullets rammed the walls, but were turned back. Tank shells pounded the stones, but were as effective as cotton balls. Napalm, dynamite, artillery, Black Lotus, Nuke Cannons, Hackers, Dragon Tanks, Overlords, Helixes, pretzels, and Wayne Newton were thrown at the buildings, and all failed miserably.

Finally, one of the Taos, or perhaps all of them, had had enough. Two nuclear missiles came rocketing from the clear sky above, crashing into the gates, engulfing them and all attacking them in cleansing nuclear fire.

Cleansing, indeed. For, though the missiles had killed virtually everyone in the theater (save the Uber General's forces – not all of the commanders are morons), their effect on the gates was only to cleanse them of the gunk and soot and grime accumulated over the length of the battle. Within, their unharmed occupants got up, and began firing at each other's garrison once more.

So, it was resolved to simply walk around the gates and continue the battle while they shot at each other until the end of time.

However, the Uber General sent two Nighthawks at the gates late one night, and poked them with bunker busting bombs. The gates were totally unharmed, but mysteriously, the soldiers in them all died at once, turning into a fine ash that could've made a decent fertilizer, were one so inclined.

Immediately, a Colonel Rambo – pardon me, Burton – was dispatched and occupied one of the empty gates. From this perch, he killed all that came near, and when missile defenders occupied the other gate, Uber General's dominance over this part of the map was ensured. Again, all three enemy armies attacked, and again...well, you get the picture.

Elsewhere, a man and his friend were watching the spectacle unfold all over again on their flat-panel LCD monitor. One was seated, and was the Mysterious Uber General. The other was drinking coffee, standing beside the chair.

"Well," said the seated one, "I think this has gone well so far."

"Oh, sure. I think the indestructible super building was a great idea," replied the standing one.

"Really?"

The standing man smacked his seated friend upside the head. "No. Now stop editing. Don't you remember what happened with the rules.ini file?"

He took another drink of coffee.

"...and by the way, this coffee of yours _sucks_."


End file.
